I want to introduce you all to this amazing family with an amazing story! Mallory and Teighynne are the adoptive moms of 3 siblings very close in age! The love and fun this family exhibits is amazing!
Our journey to motherhood was different than most because this ‘hood has two mothers. We both came into this thinking we each wanted to birth a child. Mallory saw what pregnancy looked like for some of our close friends and family and decided, “Nope, this is not for me.” Teighynne is still holding strong. Teighynne was always open to adoption, but Mallory knew from a young age she wanted to adopt. Mallory’s mom is adopted and she felt pulled in that direction. We were together 5 years, and married 2 months when we opened our doors to foster care. We decided to foster because we both work in the child abuse field and knew the need for foster homes firsthand. Originally, we were open for two children, but, as fate would have it, we were presented with a sibling set of three (2, 1, and 8 months) who would otherwise be split up. Neither of us could imagine the hardship that would cause these kids… so we agreed. And here they came, big black trash bags and all. WELCOME TO MOTHERHOOD. The first few weeks were chaotic because there was no routine. We forgot to eat, but they were always fed. There were lots of tears shed, from both kids and adults. We were trying to figure out their trauma and adjust to being moms of three. We knew early on if given the option we would keep them forever. Seven months after their trash bags were dropped on our floor, we adopted. So now that we have achieved Mallory’s goal we are venturing out to conquer Teighynne’s. This part of being a two-mom family has been fun. We got to online shop for the perfect man. Now that we have chosen a donor, bought the vials, and picked a doctor we have started the IUI process. Send us all your good vibes!
Before children, we thought motherhood would be like the Trolls movie where they “sing and dance and hug.” Our reality is tons of singing, dancing, hugging… but it’s also coupled with screaming, crying, and boogers. Another part of our reality we didn’t expect is dealing with water fears, “don’t leave me” fears, and speech delays.
For us, we became moms twice. The first day was the day we became foster mothers. We felt overwhelmed, full of questions, and wondered if we did the right thing. This was also the day our mom genes kicked in; these beautiful kids were dropped off, their story was laid out in front of us, and we felt the strongest urge to protect them. The second day was the day we became adoptive mothers. We felt unwavering, proud, resolute joy, and profound love. Adoption day was one of the best days of our lives and we don’t even feel like it has totally sunk in yet that we get to keep these kids forever.
The funniest day of motherhood was a dark morning in January for Teighynne. Tiny children’s voices permeated my beautiful dreams. I sat up in my warm bed and looked at the clock. 5:18. Let me tell you, there is nothing creepier than unexpected toddler giggles in the middle of the night. I fumbled my way out of bed, neglecting my glasses (I can’t see ANYTHING without them), and crept my way toward the whispers. I turned the corner out of my room and was surprised to see the kitchen light was turned on. It was at that moment I realized my older two children were sitting so nicely and politely in their respective seats at the dining table. As I make my way to the dining room, my eyes are torn away from those sweet, innocent children that clearly just needed an early morning snack. My blind eyes fell on the scattered contents of my purse, strewn throughout the living room. After discerning I am now two Chapsticks and one tampon poorer, I directed my attention back toward the two “saints” sitting at my table. Now, I’m slowly registering that these children sitting at my table did not have the best of intentions. I say, “What are you doing?” To which Malynne replies, “We eatin,” with that threenager sense of DUH. My blind eyes and I walk over to the table to see what treats they have bestowed upon themselves. Lo and behold, they each had a MOUND of unwrapped Tootsie Rolls, shoving as many into their drooling mouths as possible before I could take them away.
The grossest moment of motherhood for Mallory happened with our middle kiddo, Harding. It started off as a lovely evening out with family at Poblano Grill. The meal was going great. Everyone was enjoying one another and the food, and the kids were having fun. Harding was sitting at the end of a table in a booster seat. He was eating well, laughing, and seemed so happy. There was a table just across from him that we noticed kept staring at him. We thought they were staring at his cuteness and went on about our meal. The end of dinner came and I went to pick up our son from his booster. Immediately, I knew something was wrong. The smell was overwhelming as he was lifted from his seat. POOP. There was poop everywhere. The booster was covered; it was on the chair, and all the way up his back to his hair line. POOPOCALYPSE. I took Harding to the bathroom in the restaurant and had to strip him down. Everything was thrown out and his shoes had to be rinsed and carried out. He did his first walk of shame that night at Poblano Grill. He walked out in nothing but a diaper.
What scares us the most about raising our children in the world today is ACCEPTANCE. It’s hard to be judged on things you cannot control. We worry about our kids being accepted for having two moms, for being adopted, for our middle son’s scars, and for being in foster care. These things are out of their control, but we never want any of them to darken their spirit. We fear people will only see two moms and not happy, healthy, and loved children. We fear people will only see adoption, and not a safe and stable home.
We think as two adoptive moms we have the following obstacles: people think one of us is the aunt, we are always asked who the real mom is, we are asked if they are real siblings, we are asked where their parents are, we are constantly coming out to people, and some people think adoption is less important than birthing a child. For example, people often look at us with our children and assume one of us is an aunt or friend. We were at our daughter’s t-ball game and another parent came up to us both and asked Teighynne, “Are you Malynne’s aunt?” Teighynne responded, “No, I am her mom.” The parent then said, “Oh, I thought you were her mom,” to Mallory. Mallory then stated “We are both her moms.” This story also shows how we constantly have to come out to people and never know what their response will be. Another example is just the other day we had all the kids out shopping. This couple complemented how beautiful our children were and the man quickly followed up with, “Are they triplets?” Mallory told him no and explained they were all a year apart. The man, with a judging look, said, “You know how that happens right?” We feel like we have to defend ourselves but we also don’t ever want to make it seem like oh, they are just adopted. We are not ashamed of their ages and we don’t ever want them to feel that way.
We think our children’s obstacles will fall kind of along the same lines. We never want the fact that they have two moms to be something that hinders them. We want them to have the understanding that everyone’s family is different, but we know not everyone views that the same way. We want them to be proud of their story and not feel like it’s something they have to hide. There can be such a stigma attached to being a “foster kid.” We want them to feel empowered to share their story because it is a part of who they are. We also know that because of their trauma they face daily struggles. They have scars that are both seen and unseen. We know they will have inner demons they will fight their whole lives; we just hope others won’t be so quick to judge.
We fear we are not enough for our children daily, but they have a way of reminding us that we are. They do not see two moms they just see a mommy and momma. Malynne reminds us we are enough several times a day. She has a fear of being left so her constant “I’ll keep you forevers” let us know she feels safe and secure here. Harding will interrupt us even when we are going potty to say, “I need hugs and kisses,” while puckering his big lips. Foster runs to us and says, “Mommy/Momma, up please!”
Before we had kids, we were only married for 2 months. We skipped a honeymoon in lieu of foster care training. We both wish we had traveled more together and spent more time as just us.
As new moms we wish we had asked for help more. We wish we had asked more questions. This momming thing can be hard!
The most important thing we want our children to know is love. We want them to love themselves, love others, and know they are loved.
We each have a piece of advice for new moms:
Make time for yourself and your relationships.
Everyone always had advice; listen, then make your decision based on you and your children.
The hardest parts of motherhood have been jumping from zero kids to three kids and working through their traumas. Although we don’t know any different than three, it can be pure chaos in our house. Someone is always left out, or crying, or sick. We thought we had an understanding of trauma based on our careers paths, but when it is in your face 24/7 it is a horse of a different color. We vividly remember the first night trying to give Harding a bath and not knowing he had water trauma. He barely let his toes in that bath tub. We had to actively work with him daily and are still working on it. He now loves pools, baths, sprinklers, etc.
The most rewarding parts of motherhood are seeing them together and working through trauma. We often look at one another and say, “Can you believe they were going to be split up?” Watching them grow up together and knowing we were a part of keeping them together is extremely rewarding. Watching Harding jump off the ledge into the pool, hearing Malynne say “I miss our home” when we go to the grocery store, and watching Foster explore outside the rails of his crib bring light to any day.
If we could put an end to the mommy wars by saying one sentence it would be: Exhibit tolerance and reserve your judgment.
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