Life's tough. But you're tougher!

I've opened and closed this post probably a dozen times before I could finally form some kind of words. I sat here staring at the blinking curser on a stark white screen and I couldn't come up with any thing to type. 

My emotions were all over the place and I needed to sort it out on my own. 

So I'm just going to lay it out.. Our 3rd round was again, unsuccessful. Makes our 3rd failed cycle with treatments but, the 43rd negative since the beginning of this journey. 

A week ago I was stuck in the negativity. I asked myself what have I got out of this entire thing. A week ago- my answer was this:

"What have I got out of this? 43 negatives. 3.5 years of heartache and disappointment. A miscarriage. Weight gain. Bruises from all the needles. Discomfort from all the probing and thousands of dollars thrown down the drain. That's what infertility has given me"

That's not the attitude I wanted to have. Today while I sat back in my REs office getting more tests done and scheduling a procedure I had a thought. 

I have walked in and out of this office with so much sadness and disappointment yet, managed to hold myself together and smile as I left. That's not an easy thing to do and every single time I have managed to do it without a 2nd thought. Maybe I have learned more from infertility than just the negative after all. So, I have decided to make a new list of things infertility has given me.

💠Perseverance- I have done everything I have been asked and then some to make this work and infertility keeps on knocking me right off feet every time. But, I get back up and I try again despite that. 

💠Strength- infertility hits hard but, I have learned to hit harder. I refused to let this beat me and while it may be in the lead right now, the fights not over. 

💠Vulnerability- some may see this as weakness but disagree. Being vulnerable has brought comfort to many others and even myself. Being vulnerable has taught me how feel each emotion and then control it before it controls me. 

💠Humor- infertility has given me the ability to laugh when I want to cry. I made the commitment to not let the emotions of infertility control my happiness so I set out on the mission to find humor where I could. Which I have. 

💠Acceptance- infertility has taught me how accept the things that are out of my control. 

Things will happen in life that we cannot control. But that's no reason to claim defeat. There's a purpose for the good and for the bad. 

This battle is not over. So sit down infertility. Because I'm scrappy 

In the meantime- counting my blessings and squeezing my little miracle a little tighter every night!