Motherhood Series- Part 3 Kenzie

I want to introduce you all Kenzie! Probably one of the most determined ladies I have met. Kenzie's story is about how a surprise pregnancy while being a full time student may have thrown a curve ball into her plans but it hasn't stopped her from continuing to pursue her education!

Tell us a little bit about your journey to motherhood. I first found out I was going to have a baby my sophomore year of the design program. Initially, I was devastated. My boyfriend and I still felt like children. I hadn’t had to put my dreams and wants to the side before, my life had always been about me and the thought of having to change that was difficult to fathom. Even my mom was upset at first. But as the pregnancy went on, I felt myself beginning to dream about my baby and what she would be like and who she would grow to be. I realized that I would play a crucial role in her life and shaping her beautiful soul into its full potential. Being a mother wasn’t a job I was going to be forced into as I had first suspected, it was more like a spiritual calling.

Think back to your life before kids, how did you picture motherhood?
 I guess I kind of thought moms had all the answers and that’s just how it was. Moms were unwavering and strong and fixed things in a way no one else could. Maybe that’s why being a mom was so terrifying to me at first—I couldn’t possibly imagine how I would get to that point in my life where I just had it all together. I didn’t realize that 99% of the time moms are just winging it and hoping for the best.

Is your reality of motherhood how you pictured it would be? 
It is and it isn’t. It is absolutely full of all the love in the world for my daughter—I absolutely adore her. But I didn’t realize how busy and messy and unpredictable it would be. Things more often than not are not ideal or what I want, but I’ve learned to be flexible and take deep breaths and appreciate the moment for what it is, not what it’s supposed to be.

Describe your feelings the day you became a mom. 

It was a mix of emotions that I’ve never encountered before. It was fear and happiness and awe and terror. I was an only child so I had never been around babies or even young children much. I felt there were so many expectations for me now that I was responsible for the well-being of such a fragile creature. I was afraid of breastfeeding and afraid of being vulnerable. The fear of not being enough was overwhelming. But the amount of love and joy that radiated from her little body was captivating. I’m a designer, I make things beautiful for a living—but I’ve never seen something as beautiful and utterly perfect as that little baby human.

Tell us your funniest parenting moment? 

This last Christmas, my daughter started really trying to talk. Her dad and I were putting up our Christmas tree and when we turned on the lights she pointed to it and very clearly said, “that’s tight!” My daughter’s first phrase was “that’s tight.” I can’t say that I’m not proud.

Tell us your grossest moment? 

 Aniston’s dad likes to put her on her shoulders and bounce around the house. One time, while they were doing this he said her felt something wet. When he lifted her off, she had pooped and it went out the sides of her diaper and down his back. He has a really weak stomach so he immediately had to run to the bathroom. The thought of him scream-gagging still cracks me up.

What scares you the most about raising your children in the world today? 

Honestly, there are many, many things. I look at the people running our country today and the people that support them and it scares me. It scares me that there are so many people that exist that distance themselves from other human beings just because they are different. It scares me that women are still fighting for their equality and that there are people that still don’t believe we deserve it. It scares me that mental illness runs rampant in my family and that I’m going to have to prepare her for that battle. I just want her to keep her internal flame lit despite the amount of people and things that will try to blow it out. I hope I can help prepare her for that.

What kind of obstacles do you as the mom experience being a student mom?

 There are many days that I only see Aniston an hour a day. When I go to drop her off at my mom’s (she’s who watches her during the day) she’ll often cling to my legs and cry when I leave. It’s heartbreaking because she’s too young to understand why I have to leave. I just want her to know that if I could I would stay with her all day. I love her so much and the time I spend at school or doing homework takes away from her. Sometimes I feel selfish for being in school at all. I have to remind myself often that it’ll all be worth it in the end.

What obstacles do you think your children face? 

I hope that she doesn’t face many at her age. I’ve tried to cultivate a loving village for her to grow up with that can accommodate her in all the ways I can’t right now. But, if anything, I think the lack of interaction with children her age makes her sad sometimes. We plan on working on that this summer, though!

Do you ever fear you're not enough for your children? 

Of course. I think every parent fears that. There’s so many variables that go into raising a child—it’s terrifying. Knowing that I am the biggest role model in my child’s life is so intimidating, I still feel like a child myself sometimes. There are times that I know I should have responded differently and I know I still have work to do on my own journey to self-love, but all I can do is be open and vulnerable and loving to my daughter. I will make sure she knows that I love her and will protect her every day of her life and I think that will be enough.

What are some ways your kids show you that you are enough? Her giant, sweet smile when I come home from school or work. I catch her mimicking my actions a lot, even when I didn’t think she was paying attention. And she always brings her toys to me or checks to see if I’m watching while she plays. All those things remind me of how important my attention and love are. It feels good to know that I can provide those to her.

Is there anything you wish you had done differently before having kids? 

I definitely would have liked to finish my degree and established stronger financial stability. I was struggling with self-image issues and severe depression and anxiety. I had always imagined that I would have discovered how to be happy before I brought children into my life, but she ended up being a huge catalyst to that discovery anyway. What do you wish you had done differently as a new mom? I wish I wouldn’t have put so much stress on myself to be perfect. I should have relaxed a little bit and made my own happiness a priority as well. The first few months were so difficult for me because I was so loaded with things to do. I didn’t take any time off from school so trying to adjust to being a new mom while doing that was extremely difficult. I should have asked for help more.

What is the most important thing you want your children to know? 

She is perfect merely by being who she is. She will always be enough and worthy of happiness, no matter what. What would be your number 1 piece of advice for a new mom? Take care of yourself, you’re doing a wonderful job. What has been the hardest part of motherhood? The loneliness—not in a sense that there’s nobody around me, but that there aren’t many that understand how I’m feeling. I’m the first of my close friends to have a child, so they have a hard time understanding how I feel or how to help me when I’m feeling down.

What has been the most rewarding part of motherhood? 

Seeing my sweet girl happy and taken care of every day! Her existence is the biggest gift and has made me a better person all around. I thank God for her every single day.

Could there be a more accurate depiction of motherhood? hehe

Lastly, if you could put an end to the mommy wars by saying 1 sentence - what would it be? We’re all in this together.