Motherhood Series- Part 6&7 Chrystakyn and Nicole
Tell us a little bit about your journey to motherhood
I always wanted a large family. When I was growing up my favorite things were being at my grandparent’s house as they stepped in often to help my mother and specifically being at their house around Christmas. They had five children and each of those had their own; every Christmas the house was full of laughter, stories, happiness, & love. I always thought I would go to college, meet my husband, and have children young. Well life had very different plans. I went to college for a year where I was politely asked to not come back. (That is a different story!) Went home to Tulsa and tried going to community college while working as a waitress. I moved into a place with friends down the street from my grandparents as I still loved to visit them. I was clubbing and partying and ended up in a very interesting crowd. I quit school, waitressed occasionally, and started working in bars. Then my grandfather died. He was my rock, my father figure, my voice of reason, and he was gone. Then my serious boyfriend broke up with me three days after his funeral. My life was in a tailspin. I drank myself stupid and made ridiculously irresponsible choices. 5 months after my grandfather had died I found myself pregnant. Many people were convinced I wasted my life and potential and didn't want me to have the baby. The fact for me was that baby, my oldest, was my second chance. A chance to be who I wanted to be, who I knew I was. A chance to love the way I wanted to love. A chance to go after my goals despite the differences in the path of how I go there verses how I thought it should happen. He was opportunity to prove everyone wrong. I wasn’t wasting my life by giving birth and caring for him. I wasted my life on superficial experiences that were keeping me complacent and enabling the negative attributes of coming from poverty, addiction, and mental illness. I wasted my life on people who used me and hid behind social nuisances & expectation. It was time to take responsibility and be an adult at 20.
Think back to your life before kids, how did you picture Motherhood?
I didn’t really know what to expect, I just wanted to be a mom. My mother has bi-polar. Though she did the best she could, I was often at other people’s houses: my grandparent’s & cousins’ when younger - friends’ and boyfriend’s houses when older. Being exposed to so many different styles of parenting was confusing . It always seemed hard, the whole adult thing, but it was also exciting and full of adventure. Having a family was what made a home, and I desperately yearned for home
Is your reality of motherhood how you pictured it would be?
Yes and no. I have my large family as I now have four boys 12, 9, 8 & 5. I didn’t get my lil girl but I know I will have spouses and grand babies to spoil someday. I spent most of motherhood thus far as a single mother with a brief stent of being married. I would love to be married again, but to the right person. It is hard work but it isn’t too far off from what I thought it would be. I think the biggest differences is knowing how complex all of life really is compared to the simplistic ideals of your dreams as a child.
Yes and no. I have my large family as I now have four boys 12, 9, 8 & 5. I didn’t get my lil girl but I know I will have spouses and grand babies to spoil someday. I spent most of motherhood thus far as a single mother with a brief stent of being married. I would love to be married again, but to the right person. It is hard work but it isn’t too far off from what I thought it would be. I think the biggest differences is knowing how complex all of life really is compared to the simplistic ideals of your dreams as a child.
Feelings when found out I was pregnant- each time was different but the shared feelings of being scared of stepping up to the plate and excited to embark on the bigger journey were present with each. Now after having the babe- THANK GOD THAT IS OVER. I had the worst pregnancies!
tell us your funniest parenting moment?
The saying that the hardest part of parenting is controlling the laughter IS THE ULTIMATE TRUTH!!! My boys are pretty hilarious. There is always something that cracks me up or vice versa as we live for the silver lining. A classic is when my second was 4 and had accidently peed on their pet, Mr. Slug. The pee killed Mr. Slug. So they made a headstone and held a service. The headstone read, “ Rest in Peace Mr. Slug. I am sorry you died in Pee.” Of course I have photo documentation of this.
The saying that the hardest part of parenting is controlling the laughter IS THE ULTIMATE TRUTH!!! My boys are pretty hilarious. There is always something that cracks me up or vice versa as we live for the silver lining. A classic is when my second was 4 and had accidently peed on their pet, Mr. Slug. The pee killed Mr. Slug. So they made a headstone and held a service. The headstone read, “ Rest in Peace Mr. Slug. I am sorry you died in Pee.” Of course I have photo documentation of this.
tell us your grossest moment?
I can’t do puke. Worst. Thing. EVER. Blood, poop, spit up in the mouth- what have you- I can handle as long as it isn’t puke. However when my youngest was a year he would take a nap, wake up, be extremely quiet, remove his clothes and diaper, take a dump and paint the wall with it. I moved the crib into the den so I could see him from almost every room in the house. Though his stealth was impressive; It. Was. Disgusting. The Little Da Vinci of Poo. I started waking him early from his naps or sleeping with him in order to make this stop. He still loves to color and draw. Thank heavens it isn’t with bodily fluids.
I can’t do puke. Worst. Thing. EVER. Blood, poop, spit up in the mouth- what have you- I can handle as long as it isn’t puke. However when my youngest was a year he would take a nap, wake up, be extremely quiet, remove his clothes and diaper, take a dump and paint the wall with it. I moved the crib into the den so I could see him from almost every room in the house. Though his stealth was impressive; It. Was. Disgusting. The Little Da Vinci of Poo. I started waking him early from his naps or sleeping with him in order to make this stop. He still loves to color and draw. Thank heavens it isn’t with bodily fluids.
What scares you the most about raising your children in the world today?
Raising strong, independent, intelligent, respectful, compassionate young men in a society that has lost its sense of community despite differences, has knowledge and gratification at its fingertips, and is ever evolving into the technology age. Trying to keep up with the new but still instill the values or kindness & integrity
Raising strong, independent, intelligent, respectful, compassionate young men in a society that has lost its sense of community despite differences, has knowledge and gratification at its fingertips, and is ever evolving into the technology age. Trying to keep up with the new but still instill the values or kindness & integrity
What kind of obstacles do you as the mom experience being a mom?
I have been many types of mom and for me I know that it will ever be changing. I was a single, working, young mother who relied on many people- some who I should have treated better and many more who I shouldn’t have given time & energy. I grew into a married, entrepreneur, stay at home mother which path drastically changed. I am now a single, working mother of four two hours away from any friends and family support. I am also a special needs mom as my oldest is ASD and third is ADHD.
Where do I start?
As previously stated, my eldest came to be during a series of unfortunate events & grave mistakes. He saved my life and gave me a second chance to be who I truly am. I was really confused about life and myself but I set out to be better & do better. Being a young mother, everyone thinks you are throwing your life away, just going to be another statistic, or on welfare for the rest of your life. There are a lot of assumptions that you weren’t raised right, or that you are going to drain the system or drag down society. Frankly, it is easy to fall into that trap of negativity and lack of support. I have been on assistance and it isn’t set up to help people become better. It isn’t easy at all to defy all the odds but you can do it. I have done it. Talk to therapists, find people who encourage you and support you, and don’t give up! I look back and cringe at all the dumb mistakes and choices but I will also smile because baby, I made it- may not be the end of that tunnel but it is a hell of a lot farther down that road. Being a working mother the time with your children is limited- hell your time is limited period. You still have to cook, clean, read, give bathes, talk about their day, invest quality time & adventure, find time for yourself (WHAT?!), and all that other adulting stuff. There is often the assumption that I don’t love them enough when the reality is we are all slaving away in our own diverse ways to make their lives better and that is HARD. When I got to stay home with my youngest I saw what him being raised with me 110% was like and how it affected the older boys to have mom 110% of the time. I am very grateful for the men and women who were there and helped raise them while I was working, but the difference is astounding. Now, I miss that time more than anything. Them getting to explore that side of my personality and letting it navigate the choices in their lives. I owned my own make-up artistry company which didn’t take a lot of my time as my husband at the time was the bread winner and often out of country. Life had a nice balance except for when it came to time for myself. The obstacles during that time had more to do with juggling and making a failing marriage work. Being an entrepreneur was exciting but very hard work; I was always thinking about the next big break, sale, and event. Though I often would miss something great for my business to make sure family was taken care of because that was also my main job. When the separation got intense, I knew it would be best to let the business go and put some distance between the feelings. My ex-husband and I handled the separation and divorce the best we could- above all trying to not be negative toward one another. When I visited Edmond, I fell in love. It felt like home, that small town feel in a decent sized city. Change is hard regardless of age and ability. My children are finally settling in with all central Oklahoma has to offer I love that all the colleges are close and there is so much to do here. I have three large obstacles now time, support, and money. My landlord & his family were very sweet as I explained my situation and yet they still chose to rent to me- a trying to be newly single, mother of four, with no job, no friends, and barely any money. I found myself back on assistance fully while going through my divorce. I have found myself in a wonderful career in construction doing pretty much what I did as a business owner without actually having to own the business! I had to start as a receptionist but quickly showed my strengths, initiative, and business savvy. I have watched with disbelief and anxiety as service after service was dropped! It is a great feeling NOT being on assistance but when you get a raise that gives you an extra $100 a month and your income is past assistance for daycare and you have to find out how to pay an extra $300 or more a month for that daycare- it gets terrifying. Yet, you make it work. I found a way. Aldis is a life saver and keeps my boys from eating Ramen every night. I bought a Prius to save us $300 a month in gas money. We do not have cable or internet. You get the picture. When we aren’t juggling money, we are juggling time. In the morning we have thirty minutes together but the reality is we are all getting ready to leave. I want to ensure they get enough sleep so I do not wake them early unless I have to. In the evenings we get home at 6PM and have roughly 2 & ½ hours to make everything else happen. Chores, homework (luckily our daycare this year helps with this), play time, cook, eat, shower, quality time? Then weekends we are all exhausted, yet have one day to do anything cool and one day to deep clean again. Fridays and Sundays we drive to Stroud and back. When do we get to be fun? When do we get to take it easy? Lastly is support. Making friends as a mom is hard as f***. Pardon my language but let’s be serious, it really is. Fact is that through divorce is much like having your first baby- “friends” scatter or show their true colors and become even harder to make. I know I have people who care about the boys & me, but my boys & I are not in close contact with anyone really except the guy I am seeing. I don’t have friends to talk to let alone see on a regular basis. We don’t have a grandma, grandpa, uncle, aunt, sister- what have you to watch the boys or even spend time with. We choose not to be close to my family because it is in the emotional and physical best interest of my children and myself. Though I do not miss my ex-husband, I miss having a tag team partner and I miss the boys having that bonding with someone other than me! All of the struggles we have are based on our choices and ours aren’t very bad. So, I don’t feel shame or envy, but I often get upset at how ungrateful people can be. Many people miss the blessings right in front of them because they want more from someone or a situation or materialistically. I get down and frustrated too but this world is my adventure… it is up to me to dominate it.
I have been many types of mom and for me I know that it will ever be changing. I was a single, working, young mother who relied on many people- some who I should have treated better and many more who I shouldn’t have given time & energy. I grew into a married, entrepreneur, stay at home mother which path drastically changed. I am now a single, working mother of four two hours away from any friends and family support. I am also a special needs mom as my oldest is ASD and third is ADHD.
Where do I start?
As previously stated, my eldest came to be during a series of unfortunate events & grave mistakes. He saved my life and gave me a second chance to be who I truly am. I was really confused about life and myself but I set out to be better & do better. Being a young mother, everyone thinks you are throwing your life away, just going to be another statistic, or on welfare for the rest of your life. There are a lot of assumptions that you weren’t raised right, or that you are going to drain the system or drag down society. Frankly, it is easy to fall into that trap of negativity and lack of support. I have been on assistance and it isn’t set up to help people become better. It isn’t easy at all to defy all the odds but you can do it. I have done it. Talk to therapists, find people who encourage you and support you, and don’t give up! I look back and cringe at all the dumb mistakes and choices but I will also smile because baby, I made it- may not be the end of that tunnel but it is a hell of a lot farther down that road. Being a working mother the time with your children is limited- hell your time is limited period. You still have to cook, clean, read, give bathes, talk about their day, invest quality time & adventure, find time for yourself (WHAT?!), and all that other adulting stuff. There is often the assumption that I don’t love them enough when the reality is we are all slaving away in our own diverse ways to make their lives better and that is HARD. When I got to stay home with my youngest I saw what him being raised with me 110% was like and how it affected the older boys to have mom 110% of the time. I am very grateful for the men and women who were there and helped raise them while I was working, but the difference is astounding. Now, I miss that time more than anything. Them getting to explore that side of my personality and letting it navigate the choices in their lives. I owned my own make-up artistry company which didn’t take a lot of my time as my husband at the time was the bread winner and often out of country. Life had a nice balance except for when it came to time for myself. The obstacles during that time had more to do with juggling and making a failing marriage work. Being an entrepreneur was exciting but very hard work; I was always thinking about the next big break, sale, and event. Though I often would miss something great for my business to make sure family was taken care of because that was also my main job. When the separation got intense, I knew it would be best to let the business go and put some distance between the feelings. My ex-husband and I handled the separation and divorce the best we could- above all trying to not be negative toward one another. When I visited Edmond, I fell in love. It felt like home, that small town feel in a decent sized city. Change is hard regardless of age and ability. My children are finally settling in with all central Oklahoma has to offer I love that all the colleges are close and there is so much to do here. I have three large obstacles now time, support, and money. My landlord & his family were very sweet as I explained my situation and yet they still chose to rent to me- a trying to be newly single, mother of four, with no job, no friends, and barely any money. I found myself back on assistance fully while going through my divorce. I have found myself in a wonderful career in construction doing pretty much what I did as a business owner without actually having to own the business! I had to start as a receptionist but quickly showed my strengths, initiative, and business savvy. I have watched with disbelief and anxiety as service after service was dropped! It is a great feeling NOT being on assistance but when you get a raise that gives you an extra $100 a month and your income is past assistance for daycare and you have to find out how to pay an extra $300 or more a month for that daycare- it gets terrifying. Yet, you make it work. I found a way. Aldis is a life saver and keeps my boys from eating Ramen every night. I bought a Prius to save us $300 a month in gas money. We do not have cable or internet. You get the picture. When we aren’t juggling money, we are juggling time. In the morning we have thirty minutes together but the reality is we are all getting ready to leave. I want to ensure they get enough sleep so I do not wake them early unless I have to. In the evenings we get home at 6PM and have roughly 2 & ½ hours to make everything else happen. Chores, homework (luckily our daycare this year helps with this), play time, cook, eat, shower, quality time? Then weekends we are all exhausted, yet have one day to do anything cool and one day to deep clean again. Fridays and Sundays we drive to Stroud and back. When do we get to be fun? When do we get to take it easy? Lastly is support. Making friends as a mom is hard as f***. Pardon my language but let’s be serious, it really is. Fact is that through divorce is much like having your first baby- “friends” scatter or show their true colors and become even harder to make. I know I have people who care about the boys & me, but my boys & I are not in close contact with anyone really except the guy I am seeing. I don’t have friends to talk to let alone see on a regular basis. We don’t have a grandma, grandpa, uncle, aunt, sister- what have you to watch the boys or even spend time with. We choose not to be close to my family because it is in the emotional and physical best interest of my children and myself. Though I do not miss my ex-husband, I miss having a tag team partner and I miss the boys having that bonding with someone other than me! All of the struggles we have are based on our choices and ours aren’t very bad. So, I don’t feel shame or envy, but I often get upset at how ungrateful people can be. Many people miss the blessings right in front of them because they want more from someone or a situation or materialistically. I get down and frustrated too but this world is my adventure… it is up to me to dominate it.
What obstacles do you think your children face?
They all have had to face some very hard obstacles. They have witnessed unfair, unkind, and blatant disrespectful treatment by my family. They have witnessed the ill effects of mental illness and addiction. They have experienced blatant judgement of our family from random strangers/friends/family and they have seen their mother do her best to be kind & yet a firm support defying expectations and assumptions. They, themselves, have had to learn to stand firm for our family, their beliefs, and fair treatment despite respecting those out of line. They understand what budgeting & saving is. My oldest three haven’t had birthday parties since the separation. This year they each get a big party. We buy used as often as we can or on sale. We don’t eat out often but know which places are cheapest. They have seen me cry from overwhelm, despair, being heart broken, etc. Hell we have all cried together. They have all been to therapy for one thing or another. My oldest has autism and worked his tush off to be out of special classes; 4 different therapies five times a week for three or four years. Family therapy for everyone. Anxiety and anger therapy for the middles. Physical therapy and leg braces for my littlest. I am a big believer in therapy. It works if you have the right people and mindset. They have been through living with others to living with mom alone. My oldest & second have been through homelessness when I was pregnant with my third. They have been through divorce. They have been through the loss of animals, friends, family, etc. They have had to change schools several times. They worry about jobs, cars, and college. The oldest loves parkour, music, and tech; the second loves parkour, basketball, and hip-hop dancing; my third wants to play football & soccer; my youngest is really into theater, singing, & dancing; but they don’t get to be in clubs, sports, extra-curricular because it is out of our budget. They aren’t surrounded by people who love them and always want their time and attention- but we are waiting to hear back about Big Brothers. I just don’t want them to be disappointed again, so fingers crossed. They worry about me being alone and me dying though I try my best to reassure them. They also face the obstacle that I raise them to be kind, respectful, and compassionate to all. They are very aware of discrimination in all of its ugliness. Statistically, they have a lot of obstacles to overcome but they have shown tenacity, strength, and greatness. The best is yet to come
They all have had to face some very hard obstacles. They have witnessed unfair, unkind, and blatant disrespectful treatment by my family. They have witnessed the ill effects of mental illness and addiction. They have experienced blatant judgement of our family from random strangers/friends/family and they have seen their mother do her best to be kind & yet a firm support defying expectations and assumptions. They, themselves, have had to learn to stand firm for our family, their beliefs, and fair treatment despite respecting those out of line. They understand what budgeting & saving is. My oldest three haven’t had birthday parties since the separation. This year they each get a big party. We buy used as often as we can or on sale. We don’t eat out often but know which places are cheapest. They have seen me cry from overwhelm, despair, being heart broken, etc. Hell we have all cried together. They have all been to therapy for one thing or another. My oldest has autism and worked his tush off to be out of special classes; 4 different therapies five times a week for three or four years. Family therapy for everyone. Anxiety and anger therapy for the middles. Physical therapy and leg braces for my littlest. I am a big believer in therapy. It works if you have the right people and mindset. They have been through living with others to living with mom alone. My oldest & second have been through homelessness when I was pregnant with my third. They have been through divorce. They have been through the loss of animals, friends, family, etc. They have had to change schools several times. They worry about jobs, cars, and college. The oldest loves parkour, music, and tech; the second loves parkour, basketball, and hip-hop dancing; my third wants to play football & soccer; my youngest is really into theater, singing, & dancing; but they don’t get to be in clubs, sports, extra-curricular because it is out of our budget. They aren’t surrounded by people who love them and always want their time and attention- but we are waiting to hear back about Big Brothers. I just don’t want them to be disappointed again, so fingers crossed. They worry about me being alone and me dying though I try my best to reassure them. They also face the obstacle that I raise them to be kind, respectful, and compassionate to all. They are very aware of discrimination in all of its ugliness. Statistically, they have a lot of obstacles to overcome but they have shown tenacity, strength, and greatness. The best is yet to come
Do you ever fear you're not enough for your children?
Everyday. My worst fear is for them to see me as unkind, unfit, and undeserving to be in their lives. Those moments happen to every parent, and changes in behavior is always the best apology, but at the end of the day we just hope it is enough
Everyday. My worst fear is for them to see me as unkind, unfit, and undeserving to be in their lives. Those moments happen to every parent, and changes in behavior is always the best apology, but at the end of the day we just hope it is enough
What are some ways your kids show you that you are enough?
I honestly have found that being enough is personal decision and reconciliation. My children have a life much better than how I was raised and though I am not perfect, everything I do is for them. They each have their own ways of showing me they love me. My oldest will text me funny things, he asks me the hard life questions & tells me the hard truths of his life. My favorite way my oldest shows his love is that he still comes, lays by me and pillow talks. My second shares a lot of my favorites; food, number, hobbies, interests, & more. He also is quick to meaningfully apologize to me as well as help me out with the house. My favorite though is he is comfortable with his brothers and myself to be vulnerable and share things that make him cry. (It takes a lot to make him cry so that is a big deal.) My third is more of a touchy feely guy as he still likes to hold my hand, give hugs & kisses, and cuddle on the couch which is my favorite. He has ADHD and struggles with his impulsiveness involving word, thoughts, and actions; so when he commits to hugging me or sitting with me for a few minutes- it is VERY conscious effort. My youngest still wants me to play with him, snuggle him, give lots of kisses, and be 110% involved in his world. Though he is still in the very reliant stage, he constantly makes an effort to tell me I am beautiful or to try to make me happy when he can tell I am sad. For me the best way they show it together is when I am sick, they will try their best to get me what I need, to get along- being good to one another, and to take care of each other.
I honestly have found that being enough is personal decision and reconciliation. My children have a life much better than how I was raised and though I am not perfect, everything I do is for them. They each have their own ways of showing me they love me. My oldest will text me funny things, he asks me the hard life questions & tells me the hard truths of his life. My favorite way my oldest shows his love is that he still comes, lays by me and pillow talks. My second shares a lot of my favorites; food, number, hobbies, interests, & more. He also is quick to meaningfully apologize to me as well as help me out with the house. My favorite though is he is comfortable with his brothers and myself to be vulnerable and share things that make him cry. (It takes a lot to make him cry so that is a big deal.) My third is more of a touchy feely guy as he still likes to hold my hand, give hugs & kisses, and cuddle on the couch which is my favorite. He has ADHD and struggles with his impulsiveness involving word, thoughts, and actions; so when he commits to hugging me or sitting with me for a few minutes- it is VERY conscious effort. My youngest still wants me to play with him, snuggle him, give lots of kisses, and be 110% involved in his world. Though he is still in the very reliant stage, he constantly makes an effort to tell me I am beautiful or to try to make me happy when he can tell I am sad. For me the best way they show it together is when I am sick, they will try their best to get me what I need, to get along- being good to one another, and to take care of each other.
is there anything you wish you had done differently before having kids?
No. There is always the wonder of “what if” but I am content with the life I have led to this point. I am a firm believer that things work out the way they are supposed to. I recognize that our lives could be more stable or easier or what have you- but that mindset discredits all the hard work your family has put in to making family work- no matter what that looks like. I choose this moment to make my mistakes and our hardships into stepping stones to be better and do better consciously.
No. There is always the wonder of “what if” but I am content with the life I have led to this point. I am a firm believer that things work out the way they are supposed to. I recognize that our lives could be more stable or easier or what have you- but that mindset discredits all the hard work your family has put in to making family work- no matter what that looks like. I choose this moment to make my mistakes and our hardships into stepping stones to be better and do better consciously.
what do you wish you had done differently as a new mom?
My advice to those who are going to be new mom’s is RESEARCH!!! Research your doctors, your options and opinions, different parenting styles, etc and find what works for you. OH! And it is perfectly acceptable to change your mind. I wish I would have done this and it wouldn’t have taken me four to perfect my style LOL. Kidding. It will always be, “work in progress” or “buffering” LOL
My advice to those who are going to be new mom’s is RESEARCH!!! Research your doctors, your options and opinions, different parenting styles, etc and find what works for you. OH! And it is perfectly acceptable to change your mind. I wish I would have done this and it wouldn’t have taken me four to perfect my style LOL. Kidding. It will always be, “work in progress” or “buffering” LOL
What is the most important thing you want your children to know?
That they are loved. I have told them that though they will make mistakes and really, truly F*** up in life (we all do); I expect them to be honest and take responsibility but I will love them still.
That they are loved. I have told them that though they will make mistakes and really, truly F*** up in life (we all do); I expect them to be honest and take responsibility but I will love them still.
What would be your number 1 piece of advice for a new mom?
Play poker. Seriously perfecting a poker face is GOLD. That said knowing which hands to play and which to fold is very valuable as well.
Play poker. Seriously perfecting a poker face is GOLD. That said knowing which hands to play and which to fold is very valuable as well.
Making time & investing in oneself. Motherhood is giving, nurture focused, high demands, with major reward- BUT, if you don’t take time for yourself and spend a little money on yourself, motherhood will deplete you fast. I use my commute time to talk to those I am close with. I spend $20 a month on me be it work clothes, house clothes, shoes, a bag, make-up, a plant, etc… it is my effort in my upkeep. When we moved to Edmond, it was extremely eye opening to how much I gave to everyone except myself and I wasn’t getting what I needed from those people either. Though I am still a firm believer in giving as much as possible I have learned you have to give to yourself too.
what has been the most rewarding part of motherhood?
The fleeting moments showing they are the change you want to see in the world. Some can be big like my oldest being the only kid in his class to NOT cast a stone in a classroom exercise where they were throwing stones at a person found guilty or when they ask if we can take homeless people home to give them food & shelter. They can be small holding the door for strangers, random compliments, and random acts of kindness.
The fleeting moments showing they are the change you want to see in the world. Some can be big like my oldest being the only kid in his class to NOT cast a stone in a classroom exercise where they were throwing stones at a person found guilty or when they ask if we can take homeless people home to give them food & shelter. They can be small holding the door for strangers, random compliments, and random acts of kindness.
💠Lastly, if you could put an end to the mommy wars by saying 1 sentence - what would it be?
It takes a lot of ego to be right and it takes a lot of love to be kind; but which is more important to be right or to be kind?
It takes a lot of ego to be right and it takes a lot of love to be kind; but which is more important to be right or to be kind?
Why did I nominate Nicole?
What I emailed you still rings very true. Nicole is the rock of her family. Married with four girls, a few with special needs, yet she is a police emergency dispatch as well as having four at home businesses. She is incredibly strong and incredibly kind. Sometimes the biggest blessing is in the smallest gesture and she deserves something nice for her and her family. Being strong and forging ahead doesnt mean we feel strong. It doesnt mean we dont need recognition. It doesnt mean we dont need help. It just means we know our priorities. So I sent that email nominating her because it was the right thing to do. She is an inspiration. She is a beautiful woman inside and out. She gives more of herself than ever could be expected and that deserves a prize dammit. Ger girls are amazing strong willed young women because of that. And this is the best prize, lovely pictures of her life's accomplishments and legacy. I am beyond thrilled you chose her and ger family and grateful you accepted my family as well.
What I emailed you still rings very true. Nicole is the rock of her family. Married with four girls, a few with special needs, yet she is a police emergency dispatch as well as having four at home businesses. She is incredibly strong and incredibly kind. Sometimes the biggest blessing is in the smallest gesture and she deserves something nice for her and her family. Being strong and forging ahead doesnt mean we feel strong. It doesnt mean we dont need recognition. It doesnt mean we dont need help. It just means we know our priorities. So I sent that email nominating her because it was the right thing to do. She is an inspiration. She is a beautiful woman inside and out. She gives more of herself than ever could be expected and that deserves a prize dammit. Ger girls are amazing strong willed young women because of that. And this is the best prize, lovely pictures of her life's accomplishments and legacy. I am beyond thrilled you chose her and ger family and grateful you accepted my family as well.
Nicole's Story
Tell us a little bit about your journey to motherhood: I always knew that I wanted to start a family young. I got married when I was 19 years old and got pregnant 3 months later with my first daughter. I then found out I was pregnant again when Abigail was only 9 months old, and I was not happy about it. “It was too soon” “I’m not ready for another one” “She’s too young to be a big sister” are all thoughts that I had. I quickly regretted those selfish thoughts; because I lost that baby just two weeks later (6 weeks gestation). I was devastated and felt guilty for not being thankful. I then craved another child. I wanted what I felt was “taken away from me”. So 5 months later I found out that I was pregnant with my second daughter, Ashlyn (3rd pregnancy). I was in complete denial. I didn’t feel pregnant, and didn’t look pregnant at all until I had my 20 week ultrasound and SAW her myself. LOL. I woke up the next morning with a full pregnant belly, it was CRAZY! Fast forward a year; again had a surprise pregnancy and was disappointed yet again to miscarry that baby too at just 7 weeks gestation. I was completely devastated. I couldn’t understand WHY I couldn’t carry certain babies. I hated when people would tell me, “It’s likely because something was wrong with it and this is God’s way of taking it home.” I HATED that response. I would think, “AND? I can care for a special needs child!” I was full of anger and depression, and then wanted to try for ANOTHER child; a third one that I could actually hold in my arms. To my surprise, I got pregnant immediately. My 5th pregnancy… This one really got me good. I was super excited that God answered my prayers. 7 weeks in, I “passed” two sacks, (twins). I went to the doctor and they did an ultrasound and confirmed my worst fear…another miscarriage. I sunk into a deep depression. I yelled at God, hated everyone around me and myself. I begged God, I asked “why me”. Little did I know that God had a plan. I went back to the doctor a week later to check my hormone levels and they had tripled in a week’s time. I was told that my body either thought I was still pregnant and I would need a DNC or I WAS still pregnant. I went immediately for an ultrasound and there was my 3rd daughter, Aleena, 8 weeks gestation. Strong heartbeat (couldn’t hear it, but could see it). I was floored. I saw for myself just a week prior, all the debris from miscarrying the twins. So yes, Aleena was one of 3. God did the unthinkable. She truly is a miracle baby. 3 years later my marriage ended. I had 3 beautiful girls and moved on with my life. I met my husband (now), and we had a “honeymoon” baby (Her due date was 9 months, 1 day from our wedding date). That pregnancy was a rollercoaster. I was in and out of the hospital multiple times during pregnancy. I was told on 3 different occasions that I would miscarry within 48 hours. I was labeled “high risk” due to my previous “vanishing triplets” pregnancy. All in all, making her debut 4 weeks early, Amelia came into the world and changed our lives forever. She was not the “healthy and perfect baby”. She was perfect for me and for our family, but not to societies standards. She never hit one milestone on time. But her joyful personality won people over with just a glimpse from her. I kept telling her pediatrician that something seemed off, that something wasn’t right. She insisted that Amelia was fine. After much searching and God putting people (medical personnel) in my life that validated my concerns, I switched pediatricians and Amelia was referred to a neurologist. It was then, after several tests, that they found the culprit to Amelia’s struggles. At 20 months old Amelia was diagnosed with “Cerebellar Hypoplasia” possibly caused by a stroke in utero that they say she had. We are still unsure (and will probably never know) if those two are related to one another. So when people say “it’s probably because there was something wrong with it (baby)” and that is their comfort for miscarriages…God was saving this special child for me to love and care for. She completes our family. Four daughters is not a walk in the park, but I am a better person and so blessed to do life with these strong, smart and loving young ladies.
Think back to your life before kids, how did you picture motherhood?:
Ha! I thought it was going to be a walk in the park, because I loved kids, I loved to babysit and I was a good kid, so why would I have anything BUT a walk in the park with my own children? Ha…oh how God has a sense of humor.
Is your reality of motherhood how you pictured it would be?: Heck no! It’s work! A lot of hard work! It’s like trying to corral a herd of sheep through an obstacle course, known as life! All while trying your best to keep them on the right path, and not let them stray off to destruction (all the “bad” things you don’t want for your kids). There are no breaks, no relaxing until they are sound asleep at night, and even then, your mind runs 100 mph of all the “should of, could of, would of” moments for the day.
Describe your feelings the day you became a mom:
Fear! I was scared; it’s something you can’t just “change your mind” on. After the fear subsided a little bit, I was overcome with pure joy. I was thrilled that God specifically chose ME to be the mother of these 4 girls. Each daughter of mine, the day they were born, God had proved to me, with just how much LOVE I’m capable of giving. I don’t have to share my love, it’s like it multiplies! Just incredible!
Tell us your funniest parenting moment? Just one? OK…believe it or not, this has happened more than once (similar situations) between two of my children. My oldest Abby, about 2 years ago, was running late to meet the bus and grabbed her boots and ran to the bus. I get a call when she gets to the school that she accidently grabbed her little sister’s boots instead of hers (they had the same shoe). Only a 4 size difference (how do you mistake your little sister’s shoes for your own?). This, my friends is a prime example of what it’s like raising ADHD kiddos. LOL. The similar story was when the little sister previously mentioned, Aleena, ran out the door (almost missing the bus) FORGETTING her shoes, and me getting a call from the school. HOW in the world does a child forget their shoes when getting on the bus for school? Yep….my ADHD children do! Ha!
Tell us your grossest moment?
Too many to choose…But we’ll go with Abby, as a baby, (also happened with Amleia), laying on the floor, raising baby over your face/head, and the lovely child with severe acid reflux, proceeds to “spit up” buckets of vomit on your face with some entering your mouth! Blah! I know my kids aren’t the only kids that have done this? Luckily the first time it wasn’t on me, but on my best friend (and Abby’s 2nd cousin), Kourtney. But with Amleia, I was her victim.
What scares you the most about raising your children in the world today?
How far away from God the world is going. We (Americans) used to be a nation under God, and every day this nation gets further away from God. Evil is real and is running rapid within our society.
What kind of obstacles do you as the mom experience being a mom?
As a working mom, both outside the home and inside the home (as a 2nd job), time is the biggest obstacle. Balancing and managing my time to best benefit my family is one of the hardest things. Everything is a sacrifice. To know which area to sacrifice depending on circumstances…work/money that pays the bills and provides for our family or time with your children that you can’t get back? Those are the day to day struggles as a working mom. What doctor appointments do you take off work for vs letting your hubby take them? What school events do you take off work for? What “little things” are actually the “big things” in your child’s mind? How do you balance it all?
What obstacles do you think your children face?
Learning how to be loving, but not be a push over. Learning how to take up for themselves in a respectful way. Learning how to be a driven and confident woman, while being submissive to God (allowing Him to guide and direct them). Knowing they are enough because God says so, regardless of what man/society tells them.
Do you ever fear you're not enough for your children?
All the time! I don’t doubt that I HAVE enough love for each of them. But I do wonder if I TELL them enough and if I SHOW them enough. I do my best to “lead by example”, but I fail at times…a lot!
What are some ways your kids show you that you are enough?
I’m not a super affectionate person. That’s something that I struggle with as a parent. But my kids are affectionate. So when they give me hugs for no apparent reason…it’s a reminder that I should be doing that to them as a parent, but it also is a wakeup call that they do love me and think the world of me. When my 8 year old tells her counselor that she wants her “reward” for better choices to be “more time with mommy” (not toys or candy), it breaks my heart. She deserves it, but I can’t give her my undivided attention all the time, due to having to share that attention with 4 kids, 1 husband and two jobs. But at the same time, it tells me that my daughter values time with me. And THAT makes me feel more loved than any gift ever could. So I try to accommodate her needs while bring balanced with my other responsibilities.
Is there anything you wish you had done differently before having kids?
Become financially stable before even thinking about starting a family, so that I could have raised them (from babies) with stability and in a more structured environment. Kids are expensive and I hate that I struggled financially for so long because I wasn’t responsible about starting a family. I’m now in my 30’s and just getting to where I don’t feel like it’s a losing battle (financially).
What do you wish you had done differently as a new mom?
Been more affectionate and enjoyed the younger years, because they grow up so fast. I wish I had not stressed over the small things. I wish I would have let them play in that mud puddle, and in the rain…it wasn’t going to hurt them, but would have made their day as well as fun memories! Kids are washable.
What is the most important thing you want your children to know?
Just how much I love them, although I truly don’t think they’ll fully grasp that until they are grown with children themselves. A mother’s love is like no other. The only greater love is God’s love for us.
What would be your number 1 piece of advice for a new mom?
That mommy instinct/gut feeling you get at times…LISTEN TO IT!
What has been the hardest part of motherhood?
Parenting each child differently (because all children are different), within the same household. Along with doing what you know is best for your children (in the long run), even when it hurts them, emotionally (in the present).
What has been the most rewarding part of motherhood?
Hearing “I love you” from them, especially during the most trying times. As a side note, My youngest daughter, Amelia was considered “non-verbal” for a long time. Right after she turned 3 years old, she uttered “IOU” (I love you)…my heart was immediately filled with joy because I wasn’t sure I would ever hear that from her.
Lastly, if you could put an end to the mommy wars by saying 1 sentence - what would it be?
You know your children best, therefore do what is in their best interest, whether society/family/friends agree with you or not.
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