I Am Half Agony, Half Hope.

With each passing month, every negative test, the struggle gets a little bit harder. 

I have been very open about struggling with secondary infertility but many have asked at what point in the journey are we. Those who are trying to get pregnant often ask me how long you should try before suspecting there's a problem. So, I'm going to share our time line with you all to help answer these questions! 

May 2012- we decided it was time to have another baby. This month was the start of our journey. 

February 2013- I started noticing not only had a good amount of time passed, I noticed some problems with my body. If you want to know what problems I am referring to, feel free to email me! I would be happy to tell you so you know what to look out for too! Those reading who don't want to know, I didn't want to go into details lol. So, I called my OB to be seen. I was seen 2 days later. This was when I was tested for PCOS, hormones levels, blood sugar, and thyroid. They also did an ultra sound to see if there were any cysts or abnormalities. At this appointment we didn't have the test results back immediately but, I was told to lose at least 10-20% of my body weight. 

About a week later they called with my results and said my thyroid and testorone levels were abnormal (this was bc of what I noticed was going on with my body caused by my thyroid). But, PCOS was ruled out bc of my blood panel and ultrasound. This was when I was referred to an endocrinologist. That is where a more in depth thyroid panel was done and I was put on levothyroxine. A life long of blood work every 6 months rechecking my panels. I didn't care though, I felt like we were getting somewhere! 

January 2014- I had lost over 30 percent of my body weight but still hadn't become pregnant yet. 

February 2014- reached 1 year since being diagnosed with low functioning thyroid. Almost 2 years trying total. This would be the month that if not pregnant, it would be time to be seen again. Low and behold- it was a successful month! I got pregnant naturally!! So incredibly thrilled and blessed to have finally got what we were working for!

March 2014- Hit by utter devastation when I lose the pregnancy that took is 2 years to conceive. We were devastated and honestly, both of us kind of spiraled into bit of a depression. We tend to forget, infertility affects both the husband and wife emotionally. Not only was this a hard hit for us, this also meant my "year of trying before intervention" started over. I'm not sure if this is where primary and secondary infertility differ. Since I have had 1 successful pregnancy, my miscarriage wasn't cause to believe I'm not capable of a successful pregnancy. So, we start our journey over. 

June 2014- beta levels zeroed out from my miscarriage and we were given the OK to start trying again. 

March 2015- today. Another negative. Making it 8 months of trying since the miscarriage and pushing 3 years total. 

Today, my appointment was finally set to get fertility counseling. What does that mean? March 18th we finally get to take the next step in this long heart wrenching journey. 

You already have one child, why keep trying for another? 

This is generally asked out of pure curiosity- sometimes asked out of judgement. Either way, I don't mind answering it! 

Adam and I both are 1 of 3 kids. As are our parents etc. See where I am going here? We have always had dreams of a big family and planned for 3 kids. It's our family dream. It's what we want, it's what our hearts long for. Giving up on having another child is giving up on a dream we have always had. How would you feel if you were told to give up on a dream? You wouldn't take very kindly to it at all I'm sure. See, It's not as simple as it seems. All that aside- we want another baby because Savannah wants a sibling! 

See, Savannah isn't a baby anymore, she is 5. She is old enough to start noticing that she is just about the only one of her friends that doesn't have a sibling. She notices that. She asks for a baby brother or sister all the time. Do you know how incredibly heart breaking it is to know I'm not only letting myself, my husband and our plans down.. I'm letting my daughter down! Our sweet innocent little one that doesn't understand why she can't have a sibling when all her friends do. It hurts to know that it affects her too. 

How has this affected your marriage? 

For us- it has only strengthened our relationship! It has brought us closer together and taught us how to cope with the unexpected and come through it together and stronger than ever. If anything positive has come out of this experience, it's been that! 

So, wish us luck as we start the next step in this journey! 

As always- if you ever need someone to talk to if you are experiencing this, I am here! Feel free to email me anytime!