Immense Joy Turned To Immense Heartbreak. Our Angel Baby.

Many of you following my weight loss journey have seen me briefly talk about a struggle with fertility. Those who know me IRL have often asked me "when are you going to have another one?". The answer to that question always left an akward "hopefully soon". Truth is, we have been trying to get pregnant for almost 2 years now. Those 2 years of negative after negative finally seemed to be all worth it. We saw our first positive since our sweet Savannah's positive. We were finally pregnant and so incredibly happy. We cried tears of joy. It seemed so surreal to finally be happening for us!

Not having had a thyroid problems with my first pregnancy, I was naturally a little concerned the effect it could have in this pregnancy. After some googling, I was even more concerned. (Tip to the preggo ladies, stay off the Internet. Just stay off. Don't do it!) I called my OB and got an appointment set up and then called my endocrinologist so they could start monitoring my numbers to see if they would need to change the dosage on my thyroid medication. My levels were good so, that made me feel better! I went to my first OB appointment and everything looked great. Gave us an expected due date. We immediately started making plans on how we would tell our families. Both our families knew how long we have been trying and they have been wanting another grand baby so, we wanted to announce it in a cute way. We planned for an Easter announcement. We were going to make up Savannah a special Easter basket and tell her that day also. Our baby girl was finally going to get to be a big sister!

Every week the baby grows and changes. We followed a long every week and it would tell us the size of the baby. A poppy seed to an apple seed etc. So we had been calling the baby our little apple seed. With each passing day the excitement got higher. Until this week.

On Thursday morning in the early hours I woke up to some nerve wracking problems. It lasted until Friday when it finally stopped. So, Saturday we took Savannah to her soccer game and ran a few errands. I started feeling worn down. It's like I hit a wall and my entire body started to ache. We came home and just took it easy the rest of the night. By the time we went to bed the nerve wracking issues had returned and they returned worse than before. After spending the entire night crying running to check on things every 20 minutes we decided to go to the ER to get checked out.

After 4 scary hours of getting poked, prodded, and monitored my results came in. Everything came back looking excellent except one thing. The most important thing during pregnancy. My beta/HCG levels. They came back at an extremely low level of only 119. Given the low HCG numbers and the reasons that brought us to the ER to begin with they ordered the rhogam shot for me. I am RH negative. Other than the fact it's a pretty painful shot to the tush, I knew ordering that shot meant one thing. 

A miscarriage was immanent. 

Adam and I managed to keep ourselves laughing during this entire process.  I think it was nerves. We were trying to push down that scared/nervous feeling we were having. That lasted until we got home when the flood gates were opened. At this point I made the upsetting call to my parents to inform them of what was happening. During this entire ordeal Savannah was with Adams parents. So, knowing she would be coming home soon we pulled ourselves together. We did not tell her about the baby and we did not tell her what happened. At her age, this is not something we feel she would be able to really comprehend. We did tell her mommy had to get a shot on her tush and she really got a kick out of that. 

Our little girl is extremely intelligent, though. She could pick up on something wrong with mommy. She started gathering all of the flowers and left over valentines hearts from around the house to bring to me. I said to her "I'm so happy you are home. You always make me feel so much better" to which she replied "of course I do mommy. I am always here to take care of you!". She has a heart of pure gold!

The next day I was seen by my OBs. My doctor was on call at the hospital so, I was seen by another doctor. Coincidentally the one that was on call when I called the emergency on Saturday. She remembered talking to me over the weekend. They really didn't need to do much after seeing everything the hospital sent over. Thankfully they didn't need me to talk much because I couldn't speak. I just ugly cried. When I say ugly cry I mean UGLY cry. After the doctor examined me and left the room for me to get dressed someone knocked at the door. In came MY nurse. She said she heard my name and wanted to come in to talk to me and hug. May not seem like a big deal but l, it was to me. I go to a very busy OB group, for my nurse to take time out of her day to come check on me knowing what I was going through speaks volumes! After that the doctor confirmed the miscarriage. Briefly discussed what to expect over the next few days. Made a follow up for a few days to see how my body is handle ing everything. 

The doctor called me in a pain reliever to the pharmacy. So after I left the office and headed to the pharmacy. I stepped up on the curb to the pharmacy and for no reason at all I looked down at the ground. Saw this 

"Feathers appear when angels are near" 

I have always found feathers in the most random places. It has always been in hard times too. By random I mean random. I found a feather on the microwave cord once. 

I didn't need to ask who was sending me this feather. I already knew. Our angel baby. 

I have spent the majority of the past 72 hours in bed crying my eyes out. Had to regather myself from breaking down in the pharmacy. Anytime I get in the car and my thoughts start hit me, I break down. Everything is constant reminder of our loss at this point. I know in time it won't seem that way but, for now it is. I can't control my emotions right now and that is a difficult thing for me.

I wish I was one of those people who can speak so eloquently and always look on the bright side of it but, I can't. To be totally honest, I feel numb. I am hurt, angry, devastated, confused, in physical pain, heartbroken.. I have just cried. Cried. And cried some more. I honestly don't know how tears are even still coming. I just cannot wrap my head around this. 

The doctors can tell me it is nothing I did that caused this til they're blue in the face. People can tell me to trust in Gods plan or everything happens for a reason etc. It doesn't make me feel any better. 

The fact is the beautiful little life that was growing inside me left us. The baby we were anticipating is gone. No matter how much time passes, no matter how many other children we may have, our family will ALWAYS be missing one child. That fact hurts. There is no logic ing away that greif. 

I have found a little comfort. I few years ago a friend of mine went through a miscarriage and she talked about a chapter in the book "Heaven is for Real". (If you haven't read it, it's a good and quick read) the chapter talked about about this littles boy mom who maicarried a baby. The little boy told his mom he had a sister in heaven that had died in his moms belly that God adopted. From that moment on, his parents knew they had their baby they never got to meet waiting for them in Heaven. Our little angel baby is waitin for us too. In the mean time, I'm sure our sweet apple seed is keeping Mamal, papal Asa and nana Bowen company. 

Pregnancy loss is an often quieted subject. Mostly because people really don't know much about it. Leaving mothers and fathers grieving the loss of the babies they never got to meet silenced that their grief isn't real. I can tell you first hand, the grief is very real. It is a very real and overwhelming grief.

One that will never go away.