No One Knows How Much I Cried That Day

Life

It is going on whether I am ready for it or not. I wanted time to freeze. To be left totally alone, no talking, no work, no nothing. Just be left totally alone and wrap my head around what was happening. I jumped back to routine way too fast.  I thought I could handle it. I thought it would help me feel normal again. All it did was set me back. I didn't have proper time to heal physically or emotionally. I needed more time. My advice, let life happen around but, take as much time as you need. Do not rush back routine. You're only going to be hurting yourself in the long run. Work can wait a few extra days, household chores can wait a few days, errands can wait.. You need to take the time to take care of you otherwise you will never be able to heal properly. 

Words

People will say many different things to you. Some said with a hint of spite, some rude, some hurtful. Most though, are meant to comfort you. Do not take what people say to heart. Most people are saying some of the things with best intentions. Many are not sure what to say. Try to remember that through your emotional haze. Other women will come to you and tell you about their pregnancy loss story. Listen to it. Not only will you find comfort knowing you are not alone, it is also therapeutic for them. Talk about what you are going through as much or as little as you want. If talking helps you, then talk. If it doesn't, then don't. The people in your life worth having will support you, be there for you, listen to you and offer encouragement. Those who don't, well, they're not worth having in your life if they cannot show you some compassion in your time of need. 

Remembering 

Losing a baby during pregnancy is hard for many reasons. One being you don't have place to go to feel close to them. There was no burial, there was no object from them you have, there is nothing but memories. Hold onto them. I picked up my pain medication from the pharmacy, I didn't take it. If feeling the pain of losing this baby was all I was going to feel from the pregnancy, then I wanted to feel it. I would never get to feel the kicks from this baby, or feel them get hiccups. All I was going to feel was the physical pain of them leaving my body. I wanted to feel it so I could remember it. Feel every single second I got with them, even if it was painful to feel. 

I wish I could offer more advice but, I can't. I am still in the haze of it all. My feelings are still raw and all over the place. I got from ok to angry to hysterics all in a 5 minute span. From what I have been told, it's totally normal.  Time will heal the wounds but, the scar will never fade.

I can offer some advice to others who have not gone through a miscarriage when trying to comfort someone going through one. 

Phrases like "it was the wrong timing" or "you can always have another one" or "at least it was early before you thought of it as a baby" when spoken as a way to discredit any grief that parent may be experiencing is flat out hurtful.

 A mother thinks of their baby as a baby the second that first pregnancy symptom shows up before a test even comes back positive. The second you realize (I say realize not test bc many women like myself, are well aware of the life growing inside them before a test can tell you) you are pregnant you are no longer just you. You are you with a baby within you. You plan the rest of your lives involving that baby. There isn't a second during the pregnancy no matter how early it is, that a mom does not think of their baby as anything other than a baby. 

No matter how many other children a women may have, there will always be one missing. There will always be an empty spot where that miscarried baby didn't fill. Other children will never replace the one that was lost. 

Please don't try to discredit their grief with phrases like that. If you mean them with the best intentions, that's one thing. If you mean them as a way to discredit what that mother is experiencing, shame on you.

The old phrase treat others the way you would want to be treated rings true. Until you have lived the experience, you really cannot understand what it is like. I have experienced pregnancy before and I can say, I was not at all prepared for how this miscarriage felt. I had no idea how heavy that feeling of loss could be. So please, be kind. God forbid you ever find yourself in the same situation, you'll then understand what that person felt when you tried to discredit their grief. 

Finally, don't forget the dads. A miscarriage is a huge loss for the dads too. I know they tend to get lost in the shuffle because the woman is the one experiencing the physical side as well as the emotional side but, the dad lost his baby too. He needs support during this time of need as well.